I don’t know how or what I’m supposed to feel. I’m not sure what to do “in a relationship”, or if I’m subconsciously pushing for something with Curfew Boy to work out because I’m so petrified of not being single, or if I’m mentally sabotaging myself by admitting to the confusion I have running through my brain.
Or it could just be the large amounts of cough syrup I’ve been downing since I got into Lahore and was promptly struck down by the flu. I don’t fucking know.
That’s the problem though. I don’t know. And I hate feeling like I don’t know something that I “should”. Do I like him? Yeah. Do I find him attractive? Certainly. Do I lay awake at night dreaming about him? No. Do I enjoy talking to him or being around him? Yes, to both. Can I see myself never looking at another man again? Hell no.
So I don’t really know what to do with myself. Or with him, for that matter. I don’t know if he’s feeling any of this, and I’m terrified of being the over-analytical, insecure queen who starts raising issues when everything’s ostensibly hunky-dory. My friends who know about the two of us (but haven’t met him) are of the opinion that I’m putting too much into this whole dynamic, and that he’s not as into it as I am, and they also wonder if I’m so into it because I’m terrified of spending another decade waiting for someone who wants to be with me, or because I’m genuinely interested in a relationship with him.
And again, I don’t know. I can’t untangle the skein of thoughts and feelings in my head, and I certainly don’t want to end something that I haven’t even given the time to grow. But I wonder if I’m being more flexible than I would in other circumstances because we’re in different cities and different places in our lives, and being unable to answer that question leaves me with another slew of queries, all of which seem to have no real answer. And I haven’t the foggiest as to how I’d ask him to think about any or all of this either.
Because right now, it feels like we’re friends with benefits. Not boyfriends. And I always figured it would take time to get to know someone well enough to move beyond that “friends with benefits” phase, but I’m kind of clueless. Does it take time? Does it all feel different, ever? Is it just generally fucked up for everyone and a “take it as it comes” situation? What?
Someone please tell me.
Personally, I’ve always become friends before there were benefits. I know that’s somewhat unusual in the gay community, but it has worked out well for me.
There is a saying among somewhat enlightened married folks that goes, “I’m married, not dead,” in reference to looking at other hotties in the world. Look all you want, and dump anyone who’s so insecure as to be annoyed by your discreet admiration. What you do beyond look has to be negotiated within the relationship.
Finally, life is a “take it as it comes situation.” We often try to fool ourselves otherwise, but that doesn’t change the truth.
It took me a long time to learn it, and the lesson cost me more than I ever imagined, but “I don’t know” really is a valid answer to many of life’s questions. You don’t have to know; all you have to do is breathe.
Just enjoy the moment! Dont over think it.
You might just plain ol’ SUCK at relationships.
I recently fell in love again, and only 9 weeks later had to face the facts: I’m neurotic and fucked up. Srsly.
It’s been a struggle to overcome my evil head and actually BE with the man.
Eh.
Isn’t everything a take it as it comes situation? Frankly, I’ve always thought that people were the most difficult things to judge and control since i can remember. That hasn’t failed me yet.
Do you suck at relationships? Maybe. Do you want one to work? Who doesn’t?
Mark Cuban said it best = “no balls, no babies” I think that the only way you’ll learn enough about yourself *is* to dive in [no pun intended] and find out. Yeah, you may get hurt but at least you’ll know right? Life’s not about the choices we make, it’s about the ability to live with them after and deal with the consequences…
My two cents.
chapter 18?
i’ve been checking every other day…where the fuck are you?!
Dude – where you at?
Yeah, where are you? Curfew Boy didn’t eat you, did he?
i miss you!
Uh, where the hell are you? Please. Srsly.